I was depressed for 9 years of my life and I had no idea. I just thought I was wired to be this angry girl from the hood because it’s what I seen growing up.
I lost my father when I was 14 years old. I cried a little but I never really grieved. I did not realize I was so angry with him for “leaving” until I was 23 years old.
Depression is scary and it’s real. Being in a state of depression, for me, looked like drinking in my room alone. It was me not wanting to go anywhere; not wanting to do things I usually loved to do. What was the kicker of it all is, I was just angry and rude to a lot of people.
I had no real reason to be angry. I was in college, living with roommates having fun yet learning about things I wanted to know more about. Everybody knows college is fun but at the end of my days… I was angry.
I suffered with anxiety as well. I had anxiety attacks while in college. I still didn’t get it. I just thought I had too much on my plate with working 2 jobs, being in school and being a part of a dance team.
My issues didn’t come to a head until one day, I received a tweet from a college friend; a bizarre tweet at that. She told me she was washing her hair and she heard a voice say, “tell her I’m sorry.” She immediately knew it was a message for me from my dad.
Now I have never told this girl my dad passed away. Never shared anything personal with her and for her to come and tell me something so random… I knew it was real.
I accepted his apology that day. When I accepted his apology, I realized that I was angry with him. I hated him for leaving me behind. I was supposed to grow up and be able to call him when I needed him but I could not. I cried and grieved for several days because I never did when I was 14.
Once my sorrow vanished, it turned into strength. My behavior became a bit more understanding towards others and more compassion. I was holding on to something I had no clue of that brought on a family of issues, depression, anxiety and insecurities.
I prayed to God to guide me. It did not happen overnight to defeat this battle but with prayer and the sight of myself not being angry anymore, it felt amazing.
We all having things that trigger our depression. We are told to not speak on it but we should. Speak on what hurts you. If you have no one to speak to, write it out. Journaling is what got me through most of it. It’s the point of getting it out of your mind. Your writing doesn’t have to make sense just get it out and eventually your mind will have clarity.
If you suffer with depression, anxiety or anything else that can affect your life, if you cannot afford to seek help from a professional take it one day at a time. Be honest with your feelings and pray.
Life will only get harder if you don’t and remember, you’re not alone.